400 Types of Pathetic Jerk

Anybody that runs enough games will start to notice recurring themes and patterns. It's even worse when you have twelve years of blogposts to look back on.

It's been almost ten years since I wrote this, but it reminded me that my NPCs far too often fall into one of three categories.

• Pathetic losers
• Detestable jerks
• Both of the above

So why fight it? Let's embrace it. 

The bridge between those two archetypes is often an Insecurity. This is something that eats away at them. Maybe they overcompensate and do everything they can to prove themselves, maybe they withdraw into self-defeatism, or maybe they lash out against anybody else that tries to thrive in this area. 

Those truly memorable Jerks usually have some sort of Leverage that they can weaponise in defence of their insecurity. 

Let's put that into a Spark Table.

Roll 2d20 and combine.

d20	Insecurity	Leverage
1	Rhetoric	Family Connections
2	Physical Strength	Natural Talent
3	Professional Skill	Technology
4	Wealth	Good Education
5	Appearance	Unnatural Ability
6	Peer Respect	Personal Wealth
7	Artistic Talent	Celebrity
8	Authenticity	Protective Siblings
9	Morality	Cosmic Blessing
10	Humbleness	Raw Confidence
11	Place in Community	Hired Muscle
12	Drinking Capacity	Press Contacts
13	Popularity	Wealthy Benefactor
14	Book Smarts	Employees
15	Personal Struggle	Animal Magnetism
16	Worldliness	Hidden Oddity
17	Groundedness	Secrets
18	Politeness	Society Connections
19	Modernity	Martial Ability
20	Faith	Crime Connections

Examples

4+3: Wealth / Technology

Wealth is a common insecurity. It can be reflected by somebody flaunting their money around, but in this case let's take a different angle and say that this is the opposite. Somebody that comes from money, but is insecure about the benefits that it has granted them, so they're doing everything to show how they had to fight for every penny they've earned. 

Their leverage is technology, so let's say they're a factory owner. This ultra-modern factory basically runs itself, but the NPC claims to have built it by hand. Of course, it was passed down from a parent, but they'll take issue with anybody that points that out. 

The inherited-billionaire that claims to be self-made is pretty archetypal, but I think it resonates really strongly in creating a character you can hate. 

19+1: Modernity / Family Connections

Another way to read the insecurity is to have the jerk focus it outward, deflecting their own shortcomings outward onto others. So let's say this person just doesn't get modernity, and is sick of hearing about it. They want things to go back to how they were.

This ties into the Family Connections if we imagine an aristocrat type, fearful that the world is moving beyond the point where they can get a free ride on their family name. Yes, I can see them as a politician that's going to make sure that tradition is upheld and unfettered progress checked against our cultural values at every step, which just so coincidentally helps them cling onto their anachronistic life of luxury.

1+15: Rhetoric / Animal Magnetism

This one's easy. Somebody that people just seem to like, but if you disagree with them they just have to prove themselves to you by aggressively debating you until it's crystal clear that you were wrong. 

Perhaps she's a socialite that's so used to having people fawn over her, but we'll place her in a position where the players are going to have to get on her bad side.

Cutting Edge Mercenaries of Bastion

Bastion's hired guns are known for seeking the most unusual equipment of the electric epoch. Sometimes they enjoy their signature weapon a little too much.

Each of these is available for hire, £5 for a day's work where they'll do the following:

• Follow you into dangerous places.
• Generally follow orders.
• Think that their favourite gadget is the perfect solution to any problem.

Each Mercenary comes with their own specialist equipment. If this is damaged or lost they always blame their employer, immediately ceasing their service and pursuing financial compensation in Mercenary Court. 

HASTER SMUZZ
DEX 15, 10hp, Trench Armour (1), Baton (d6).
Orbalaster: Bulky, Functions as either a Crossbow (d6) or Rifle (d8) or can fire one of three specific combination rounds. He generally carries one of each.
Salt Charge: Blasts out a fluorescent salt-like powder. Anybody within the blast that is currently Wounded is overcome with pain and instantly incapacitated.
Wild Charge: Blasts out a red mist, any animals in the blast become immediately violent towards the nearest other being.
Null Charge: Blasts out an impenetrable darkness lasting a few minutes. Nothing more complex than a bow can function in the darkness.

DOVVET DERAUMA
STR 15, 10hp, Quarry Armour (1), Two Hatchets (d6 each).
Absorption Engine: Bulky. Chest mounted device that activates when she causes Critical Damage to an opponent. The victim is sucked into the jet-like hole and sprayed out as a bloody mess.
As a secondary function the engine allows very slow, careful flight and can be fed inorganic matter to spit out a d6 Blast of shrapnel.

CANS GUTTANINE
10hp, CHA 5, Two Chop-Swords (d6 each).
Spirit Bombs: Each of these contains the canned essence of some alien spirit. Cans isn't sure which one is which, so roll d6 when he throws one. Once the spirit is released it cannot be returned and does nothing besides lash out.
1: Abyss Spirit: 10hp, De-Pressurisation Touch (d10 ignore Armour, explode on Critical Damage).
2: Iceberg Spirit: 12hp, Icy Form (Armour 2), Crush (d10 to all in a line).
3: Smog Spirit: 6hp, d6 Choke to all within, Immune to physical attacks but disperses if left alone.
4: Pickling Spirit: 8hp, Acidic Splash (d6 Blast), Anything killed is preserved and delicious.
5: Heat Spirit: 12hp, Glowing Metal Body (Armour 3), Heat Ray (d8), longs to be cooled down which causes it to become peaceful.
6: Razorwire Spirit: 10hp, Metal Form (Armour 2), Lash (d6 to all adjacent), Anybody taking Critical Damage is pulled in to be kept safe.

VEX VENTOM
10hp, STR 18, Spiked Armour (1), Combat Chain (d8).
Sludge Gun: d6, Fires a glossy black semi-solid material that can be used in unusual ways.
- Can be sprayed onto a surface to make it bouncy as a trampoline.
- Can be fired into water to create floating platforms.
- Can be fired into fire to explode in a d6 blast.
- Can be bounced around corners for trick shots.
- Can be fired onto an electrified surface to animate the sludge briefly. It thrashes around for three rounds before collapsing (3hp, d6 thrash).
- Can be fired onto the chest of a sleeping person to give them horrible nightmares.
- Can be fired into Acid to neutralise it.
- Can be fired into Alcoholic liquid to make it burst into flames and develop a new complex taste.

SPITCH TINDLE
10hp, Tin Armour (1), Boot Dagger (d6).
Turbo-Cannon: Bulky, also functions as a Shield (+1 Armour). Can be fired on three different modes.
Safe: d6 Blast. A spray of small rounds.
Turbo: 2d6 Blast. Twice the normal fire rate. If the rolls match the weapon jams and is unusable until the next Rest. 
Ultra: Three 3d8 Blast. Thrice the fire rate with hot-rounds interspersed. If two dice match it jams, if all three match it explodes in a d12 blast. 

FINO BANEMANE

10hp, DEX 5, Brass Armour (1), Dagger (d6).

Trace-Rifle: d6, Bulky. Instead of normal fire, can shoot a Trace-Marker that marks the target unless they pass a DEX Save. The Trace Rifle causes d10 damage when it attacks Marked targets and annihilates them in a miniature black hole when it causes Critical Damage.  

Cageshacke's Valet-Guards

Cageshacke is an INTENSE borough of Bastion. Of course it's surrounded by an electrified cage, but some houses and boroughs also choose to have cages.

The main reasons you'd go there are to get in a fight or to hire a Valet-Guard, but before we get to them have a Spark Table for some ideas of what else is going on. 

SPARK TABLE (roll 2d20 and mash the results together)

D20		D20
1	Personal Vendettas	1	Jewelled Eggs
2	Pain Endurance Tests	2	Growth Drugs
3	Destroying Furniture	3	Excess Drinking
4	Being Buried Alive	4	Dying Young
5	Martial Arts	5	Rival Companies
6	Eating Raw Things	6	Humans vs Horses
7	Declaring a Champion	7	Censorship
8	Philosophy of Cages	8	Product Placement
9	Familial Betrayal	9	Personal Grooming
10	Barbed Wire	10	Massages
11	Angry Speeches	11	Breakfast Cereal
12	Corrupt Officials	12	Collectible Figurines
13	Animal Masks	13	Secret Identities
14	Resurrection	14	Loud Music
15	Climbing Challenge	15	Flag Waving
16	Electricity Worship	16	Humiliating Punishments
17	Cult of Personality	17	Being Thrown from Heights
18	Fire Worship	18	Fast Food
19	Celebrity Merchandise	19	Fake Black Magic
20	Blood Worship	20	Provocative Clothes

Valet Guards

These personal assistants have three very specific purposes that the fulfill all at once. If asked to do anything else they politely remind you that it isn't in their job description. 

1. Hype you up to others, even when you aren't around.
2. Help you get up or get to safety when hurt.
3. Not fight directly, but get involved in distracting your opponents, throwing things to you, or attacking opposing valet-guards.

When you try to hire one roll two d6s for your options. In case of a duplicate you've just got one choice, take it or leave it. 

1: Bercker the Shield 

50p, 3hp, STR 15, Old Flail (d6), Crude Armour and Shield (Armour 2, both Bulky), Battered Face.

• Will throw you her shield in the time of need.
• If forced to fight, hits herself with her flail every time (roll separately for her attacking herself).
• Boasts of your prowess in historical events you couldn't have possibly been alive for.

2: Silak Clothwurer

20p, 6hp, DEX 5, Hooked Staff (d8, Bulky), Grey Robes, Comically Fat. 

Prays to the Stars for favour at the worst times. 

Offers poetic guidance and put-downs for your opponents. 

Occasionally uses his hook to trip an unaware opponent. 

3: Arden Ztyle

80p, 4hp, CHA 15, Amplified Clarinet, Seemingly Endless Supply of Tiny Smoke Bombs, Animal-Print Clothes. 

Creates an entrance theme for you, played whenever you enter a room.

Utterly unable to take part in physical combat. 

Can throw a smoke bomb down to give you cover just in time. 

4: Ruff Bellows

20p, 3hp, CHA 3, Ornate Spear (d8), Horned Helmet. 

Shouts crude insults at opponents so loudly that she's hard to ignore.

Can throw her spear with pinpoint accuracy as long as it's not going to actually hit anybody. 

Says something great about you at first, but ruins it if left to talk for long.

5: The Golmot Twins

£1 for Both, 2hp, DEX 18, One Bladed-Glove Each (d6), Mirrored Clothes. 

Fling themselves acrobatically around without actually fighting. 

Can climb any surface quicker than most can run. 

If one twin dies, the other finally joins the fight with both gloves if they can (2 x d6)

6: Donk Beedle

50p, 6hp, CHA 14, Giant Drum and Beater (d6), Back Banner bearing your face.

Loudly announces your arrival, making exaggerated claims about your achievements. 

If your life is in danger, can smash with his drum for d10 damage, destroying it. 

The drum doubles as a cauldron for cooking delicious food, but refuses to let anybody but you eat it. 

Bastion's Triple Rule

In Bastion, Everything is Complicated.

Things are specialist, but there's always more to them. 

There are no general stores, but every focused shop has something else that you wouldn't expect.

There's a rule that sums this all up nicely.

THE TRIPLE RULE

Everything has Three Purposes:

• The Original: What was it originally to be?
• The Current: What is it doing now?
• The Tangent: What is its secondary use?

PLACES

The easiest way to do this is to give each building a commercial, residential, and civic use, and pick one of them to be its original purpose.

1. Defunct broadcast tower, now a scrap electric market spread across scaffolds. A cabal of engineers live and worship at the very top of the tower.
2. Huge municipal swimming pool, now dried up and re-purposed as a landfill. The old changing rooms have been converted into a boozy hostel for youths.
3. Long row of terraces houses, roofs all blown off in a storm. Now used as stables for luxury-breed pork pigs. A retirement home holds the last remaining covered house, and the old folks get free sausages to make up for the smell.

PEOPLE

Here, consider the standing/body/education they were born into, or a youthful ambition, then the life that they really grew into, plus something unexpected on the side.

1. Wealthy piano protegee turned greed-filled banker. Does charity work to soothe her conscience.
2. Ogre of a man, sells tiny metal sculptures. Deeply believes humanity is awful, and we should let aliens rule us.
3. Lovely old former teacher turned soldier for the Human Union. A font of pub-quiz knowledge.

OBJECTS

Objects can be simpler than people and places, with the added layers coming from previous owners or uses, rather than changes to the object itself.

1. Giant bird egg, now gilded with gold and jewels. Now property of a cult that worship it, hoping it will hatch.
2. Portable-Cannon used to kill a legendary outlaw in Deep Country. Has been deactivated and mounted above a bar for some time. Now used to hide illicit substances. 
3. A crank-operated radio. Now broken, only picks up static and occasional incomprehensible voice. Being sold at a curiosity shop as an "Ear to the Stars".

Mockeries Revisited

These guys are due another look, condensing the previous posts into one usable set of guidelines.

MOCKERIES

• Creatures of wood, felt, and steel given the spark of life.
• They love acting human, but their needs are only imitated.
• Children love them, real animals hate them.

MOCK TALENTS

• Every Mockery has an innate super-human talent for a particular task.
• The talent is often trivial, and rarely put to serious use.
• They are excellent but unconventional teachers of their talent.

EXCEPTIONS

• Mock People are known, but largely despised.
• Mock Objects tend to live in the Underground.
• Some have merged with organic tissue, calling themselves Fallacies: such as the False Angels and False Leviathan.

TEMPLATES

Apply your flavour of choice to these bones.

Mock Critter

STR 5, DEX 15, CHA 10, 4hp. d4 Damage.

• Be clingy.
• Be difficult.
• Want to do everything other than their talent.

Mock Beast

STR 15, DEX 5, CHA 10, 7hp, d8 Damage.

• Switch between human and animal behaviour
• Switch between terrifying and pathetic.
• Play dumb.

Mock Colossus

STR 18, DEX 5, CHA 10, 15hp, Armour 2, d10 Blast.

• Show a gentle side.
• Try to stay out of the way.
• Long for some non-violent attention.

SPARKS (Roll 2d20 and Combine)

d20	Type	Talent
1	Otter	Cooking
2	Lobster	Sprinting
3	Heron	Eating
4	Toad	Seduction
5	Rhino	Puzzles
6	Mole	Burglary
7	Goat	Performance
8	Spider	Bureaucracy
9	Crow	Vision
10	Mallard	Memory
11	Dolphin	Law
12	Crocodile	Academia
13	Hog	Strategy
14	Bear	Spying
15	Rooster	Interrogation
16	Whale	Trivia
17	Mammoth	Engineering
18	Bunny	Sculpture
19	Oyster	Grooming
20	Anaconda	Forensics